A disclaimer before we start - I have not played a single second of Elden Ring. While TheGamer will have a full review up at the embargo, I am not conducting this review because we felt it would be better to have a review of the full game rather than just a review of the first boss and the game over screen, which is what you would have gotten with me. Nevertheless, I think we all know what the game will have in store for us, and that's why I'm getting out ahead of the curve by ranking all of the Elden Ring bosses before I've even played the game.
That One That You Kill But Then It Comes Back To Life
This one is such bullshit, right? You dodge, you roll, you stab, you die. Over and over again, you die. Then eventually, you kill it. You take a deep breath, you set down your controller in celebration, you go to the fridge to crack open that vintage bottle of Mountain Dew, and then the darn thing comes back to life. Second phase, bitch! I hate this boss so much, and I haven't even met it yet.
Big Bug
This is a pretty boring boss. It's just like, a bug. A spider or a cricket or a worm or something. It scurries around and spits poison at you, but once you figure out that the horrific screeching noise means "move the heck away from the bug" you can beat it pretty easily. Just wait until it spits at you and then rush forward and slice at its legs, or if it’s a worm, its clitellum. You do know how to find a worm's clitellum, right gamers?
The One Where It's Two Bosses Together
Not just one boss, but two bosses. The catch is you have to fight them both together, which means you spend ages trying to fight them both together, before realising it's easier to target one of them until it’s dead, then face the second one-on-one. Of course, that means things get chaotic for a while, but better chaotic than dead, right? The only question that remains is who might the pair be. Kim and Kanye? Geoff Keighley and his little pot friend from The Game Awards? Two horrific demons called Baalzak and Dikkbut? Who knows? Not me, that's for sure.
Goo
Just a big pile of goo this one. A gooey goober. A gooverine. Fatty Magoo. What more do you want me to say?
Skeleton In A Crown Or Some Shit
There's always one of these. Like an undead thing, a skeleton, or a desiccated body, or like a zombie ghoul. You know the thing I mean. The designers look at this weird skeleton and think "hmm, it just needs a flourish. A fascinator. An accessory to tie it all together." They say you should take one thing off before leaving the house, but clearly you need to put one thing on before leaving the crypt. This one has a spooky crown or something. Anyway, it's fun. This one is a straight-up fight, where it's just a big warrior with a sword fighting you. It plays fair, and that makes it satisfying. I mean, probably.
Like A Dragon, Maybe?
Pretty sure I remember a dragon from one of the trailers, and games like this always have a dragon or a dragon-like creature. I love dragon bosses because I love Dragon Age, and in Dragon Age you get to fight loads of dragons. Of course, in Dragon Age you have a whole party with you and it's a much easier game, so my tactics of 'give the mage the right staff' and 'run around like an idiot swinging an axe at the dragon's ankles' don't usually work. However, they remind me of playing Dragon Age, and therefore remind me that I don't suck at every game on the planet, just most of them. This one gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling even when YOU ARE DEAD YOU STUPID GAMER floods the screen in blood-red text.
Teeth
Like Gooey McGooface, but for teeth. It's just a thing with way too many teeth. It's scary, but also I kinda dig it. Cool design this one. The best mix of laziness and creativity. It's just teeth. Good on you, Teeth Boss.
The Demon Woman I Definitely Don't Want To Let Dominate Me
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Oh no mistress, you killed me again! I'm so bad at this game, I need punished. How careless of me, I seem to have fallen down, I hope you don't step on me with those soft yet powerful feet...
Oh, don't pretend she's not your favourite too.
