Yesterday I took a look at how good each of the Overwatch 2 Tanks would be at driving a tank. We had some laughs, had some fun, but then it was time to put away childish toys and become a gamer. I played a few rounds of Overwatch 2 and, as is tradition, I lost badly. The fact D.Va is an expert tank driving in real life did not help me play any better as her. I'm wounded. Lost. I feel like I can't go on. I need support. Emotional support. So then, let's rank all of the Overwatch 2 Supports by how supportive they would be in an emotional crisis.
Unfortunately, this will be the end of this stupid little series. Much like God of War, we're going for two and done rather than the full trilogy. There are far too many DPS heroes to rank and besides, what could I order them by? How much damage each of them could do to me with a punch to the face? It would be irrelevant anyway as I'd just keep letting my queen Mei whale on me for as long as she needed. If that's not the sign of someone in a deep emotional crisis, I don't know what is, so let's get on with the list.
Zenyatta
Zenyatta is a cold, unfeeling robot. He may offer some mystic advice that tries, in its own way, to be helpful, but I don't see much of it being any useful. At best you get a fortune cookie and at worst you get HAL. Bottom of the list.
Ana
Ana is not a cold, unfeeling robot, but it kind of feels like she's two-thirds of the way there already. Battle-hardened, Ana is interested only in advice. Save your tears for the worthy.
Lucio
Controversial to have him this low? Lucio is a ‘good vibes’ kind of guy, and while partying with him might help when you're feeling low, he seems a bit of a fair-weather Support. I'm not sure how helpful he'd be in sticky situations or with anything that required any level of emotional depth or assistance that went beyond sticking on some sick tunes. Points for trying, but only just.
Kiriko
Another controversial one? I don’t really know enough about Kiriko yet, but I don’t get friendly vibes from her. She seems a little too contrived - I know all Overwatch characters are created by a team of designers and developers who go through reams of concept art and try to hit the right demographic markets, but with Kiriko that feels especially blatant. She doesn’t strike me as having much of a persona at all, so middle of the list she goes.
Moira
Moira is similar to Ana in that I imagine she'd be a very solutions-driven kind of friend. She's probably not here for you crying in the bathroom and would be more interested in compiling a six-step plan to get you back on track, but I think she'd be far more willing to tolerate that one of those steps might have to be ‘sob in the bathroom for a little while’. She's the sort of friend who might put up a bit of a front, but goes out of her way to help you in secret ways. She needs to keep up her mystique, but she won't let a friend get hurt. We all need a Moira in our corner.
Baptiste
Baptiste is also a problem solver I feel, but he's acutely aware that one of the best ways to solve problems is a big hug. I don't imagine he's quite as good at the emotional turmoil as the top two, but his willingness to always listen and, more importantly, be there for you sees him land the bronze medal in this made-up list.
Mercy
Mercy has become symbolic not just of the Support role in Overwatch but of what it means to be a healer in a video game. It stands to reason that she'd be near the top here, and she only misses out on top spot because she's too much of an ideal. She's the kind of friend who's very nice, very sweet, very polite, but who you can't help but feel bad around because of the emanating aura that she gives off. Mercy is just better than you. She sits at her oak kitchen table in her designer clothes, opens a bottle of wine and casually leaves it to breathe, then leans in with a smile and asks you what's wrong. You mumble something shyly until she strokes the back of your hand with her thumb and tells you that whatever it is, she's sure it will be alright.
Brigitte
Brigitte is a far more relatable character than Mercy, and girls with hair like that are always great friends. She's not intimidating like Mercy, instead she knows the solution to most problems is eating ice cream, watching Mean Girls, and listening to Taylor Swift. She'll sit in her old threadbare jumper on her cheap couch with her store-bought rose and she'll offer solutions, but it doesn't matter if these solutions are impossible and ridiculous - most problems can be solved by talking about them, and Brigitte's understanding of that makes her the most supportive Support there is.
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